Below is the lord Buddha teaching to his son;
“Rahula,
Practise loving kindness to overcome anger. Loving kindness has the capacity to bring happiness to others without demanding anything in return.
Practise compassion to overcome cruelty. Compassion has the ability to remove the suffering of others without anything in return.
Practise selfless joy to overcome hatred. Selfless joy arises when one rejoices over the happiness of others and wishes the well-being and success of others.
Practise equanimity to overcome prejudice. Equanimity is the way of looking things with an open and calm mind. This is because that is. Do not do to others what you will not do to yourself. Do not reject one thing only to chase after another.
I call these the four immeasurables. Practise them and you will become a refreshing source of vitality and happiness for others.”
(The passage above was extracted from the book “Old Path White Clouds” by Thich Nhat Hahn.)
I would not feel such remorse if I have learnt this teaching earlier.
Below is a true story that happened some years back between me and my friend, L
L and I were best friends during our school days. I would do anything for him. As L was not from a well-to-do family, he would always borrow money from me. As he was my best friend, I would lend it to him without much hesitation. Things got worst as we grew older. From the usual four Ringgit each week, he started asking for more than ten ringgit. This change turned into a burden for me being a student, so I told him one day that I was not able to lend him so much money regularly. I was given a rude shock – like a slap on my face – as he started swearing at me using Hokkien. After that episode, starting from that day, he ignored me as if I were a stranger. I got furious with him and all I cared about was to get my sweet revenge. I started to spread dreadful rumours about him to our friends, expecting him to apologise to me for what he did. Instead, he did the otherwise. He started to do the same to me, ending our friendship and turning our relationship into severe enmity.
Several years has passed since the incident. Now, I feel shame and sorrow whenever I recall the fight.
If this were to happen now, I am very confident that I would be able to solve it with a more effective way: Applying the four immeasurables which is loving kindness, compassion, selfless joy and equanimity in dealing with these conflicts.
IF this were to happen now:
I would use loving kindness to overcome my anger towards him. Without the anger I would be able to think more wisely and maybe I would act differently. With compassion, my cruelty towards him would be overcome and thus I would not spread dreadful rumours about him. Thus our relationship can still be maintained. With selfless joy, hatred could be overcome and thus I would forgive him and things will turn out differently. With equanimity, prejudices would be overcome and I would be able to judge things more wisely.
Although conflicts are unavoidable, this practice could help to minimize the effect of the conflict and thus a precious relationship could be maintained.
After applying this teaching in my life, the relationships between me and the people around me have improved. This made me believe that it helps in resolving interpersonal conflicts.
Do you think I can mend this friendship? If you were in my position, what would you do to turn the relationship around?
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Hi Xian Rui,
ReplyDeleteThe teachings of Buddhism that you mentioned are rather similar to the many aspects of EQ. For example, trying to overcome your negative emotions to think more positively is analogous to self management. Thanks for sharing these teachings with us!
One possible suggestion that I can think of is to try and contact your friend again. From what you said, I have the impression that you have not been in contact iwht him for quite some time. Thus, by contacting your friend agian, you can gauge whether he is still feeling resentful about the fight you had many years ago. You could also try to apologise for spreading rumours about him. After all, many of us probably did childish and foolish things when we were young. He may have similar regrets as well and be glad to be in contact with you again.
Ronnie
Hi Xian Rui,
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, I think your inclusion of Buddhist teachings into the post is really apt and opens possibilities of using religious teachings to solve interpersonal problems. Most religion preaches peace and the golden rule. Thus, referring to them when faced with conflicts might help you resolve your problems as best you can.
I certainly hope that your friendship could be mended. If I were you, I would try to get in touch with my friend now. It is a possibility that he might have moved on and forgotten about that past incident that had brought about the dreadful conclusion. I would try to arrange a meet up with him if he is agreeable. Until the time is right, I will not bring up that incident, as I want to try reconciling our friendship first. Only until you feel that your bond has strengthen enough would you want to discuss that matter and resolve it with him. You can make him understand your hardship of lending money to him. Also an apology is in order for spreading untruths about him. With you coming clean to him, he might be willing to reciprocate and, hopefully, this would allow both of you to cement your friendship.
Jon
How nicely said! I have always loved the teachings of buddha and sometimes i feel he manages to come up with such things due to his ability to self-reflect. Without self-reflection no conflict can be solved and I always believe in this phrase,"It takes 2 hands to clap". What you should have done was not to tell him to his face that you cant lend him money anymore. You should have tried to show him alternative paths to getting money and supporting him in his attempts to follow your advice. But since like you said there's no point crying over spilled milk, I guess what you can do is call him up and ask him how he is for starters. I am sure he still rememebrs since you definitely have been there for him for a long while before the "breakup". Explain to him the real reason why you refused to lend him money and make him understand that you did it for his own good. Admit to him that you probably did it in the wrong manner and you should have been more understanding to him but also point out that how he reacted was also wrong and thats what spurred you to end the friendship....
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ReplyDeleteI really like this post, Rui, because you describe a fundamental problem that many of us might have. That's how a friendship, in your case with L, can be spoiled due to a breach in trust. In your case that was the scamming for money on L's part.
ReplyDeleteYou outline the problem clearly and fairly concisely. The only part that I find a bit odd is how you explain that you would solve the problem by emulating the Four Immeasurables, then later you ask the reader how they might solve the problem. Of course, I understand that you're looking for a practical solution. But wouldn't it have been better to save the discussion of Buddha's teachings in the context of your solution.
What do you think?
Hi all,
ReplyDeleteThx for all your comments and suggestions.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteHi Brad,
ReplyDeleteThe reason for me to put the teaching is to show how I would solve this problem . Thus the first part about the 4 immesuarables is to give an overview that what is the method that I am going to use.Then the part after the conflict description is my hypothetical solution.The purpose of the question is to get to know what are the other possible solutions.
I am sorry if I cause any confusion to you ...
Xian Rui